The Stop Sign

Trigger Warning — Suicidal Thoughts

Her car idled at the sign, though there was no one around. She stared into the vast darkness of the early morning. No streetlights on the backroads leading her out of town. She was running late for work.

She remained. Eyes drooping with fatigue and half a night’s sleep. She almost didn’t care if she would never make it. Alas, the rent, car, food, and vet bills wouldn’t pay for themselves. She also couldn’t disappoint Salinger, who was already upset that she had forgotten his morning peanut butter treat to keep him busy.

The moon was new, giving no beauty to the dark morning. A classroom of students would be waiting for her. Tired, hungry, some of them needing their daily reminder that there is someone in their life who loves them. She closed her already half open eyes and took a deep breath. “They are your purpose. You can do it. This brings you joy and fulfillment.”

She thought of her fiancée a few hundred miles away, who would be waiting for her call tonight. How devastated she would be if the call was missed or seen as forgotten. With her eyes still closed, she pictured what may happen next.

Pulling out into the intersection, crawling slowly, as the lights from another car shine from around the corner. Taking another deep breath, opening her eyes and staring straight at them. This would be her final moments. Idling just past the sign, allowing the car to approach, releasing her of all responsibilities. She thought of all of those she would leave behind. The gentle kisses goodnight during the brief visits with her love. The warm cozy Christmases back home with her parents. The joy of watching students go from feeling like nothing to exuding self-confidence at the end of the year. The warm, furry snuggles every night from her personal space heater. As the light grows, so does the vividness of the images in her mind. Past events flashing before her. Graduating college. Moving across the country, just a girl and her dog. Proposing to her then girlfriend. The very first day of school as a teacher. Her grandmother passing. Her grandfather in the hospital for the seventh time this year. Her brother out of a job and asking for money to keep the heat on so the pipes don’t freeze. The tainted, depressing memories take hold as the lights meet her. Everything fading to complete darkness once more.

After a long exhale, she opened her eyes. Back to reality. Still behind the stop sign. She finally relented, slowly and safely pulling away from the stop sign. Making her way to work.

Just another Tuesday.